To celebrate the 75th anniversary of the driving test in Britain, the BBC's Top Gear program has a series of tips to offer in its Alternative Highway Code, which it refers to as a bible for the modern motorist.
The "rules" make fun of slow Peugeots (yes, they do tend to be underpowered) and hit upon other cliches of the road - poking fun at left-hand drive cars, of course. To wit: "You'd be amazed how many people in foreign countries insist on sitting on the PASSENGER side of the car - the bloody idiots. They drive on the WRONG side of the road, too."
And of course, there couldn't be decent set of driving jokes without a shot at elderly drivers. Their advice for drivers of a certain age: "Indicate at least 500 metres before turning. Change your mind at the last minute."
The rules were put together by the Top Gear team - which one should take to mean not by Jeremy Clarkson, James May and Richard Hammond themselves. Whatever one may think of them, their jokes are usually better than that.
Basic rules of the road
- Using the road in a car. Before moving off:
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Get into the car. Do this BEFORE moving off. Trust us, we've tried the other way and it ruins your shoes, trousers and face.
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Check your wing mirrors. Chances are your side mirrors are scratched, out of position, held on with gaffer tape and connected to the car by a spider's web.
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Switch on the car. Again, it seems quite basic but many people forget. It's worth bearing in mind that forgetting to switch on the engine at the start of a journey can add up to FIVE hours to a journey that would otherwise take 20 minutes, so think on.
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Before pulling away, take time to adjust your radio, air conditioning and (where applicable) testes. Go, go go!
Overtaking
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Oh God, there's a Peugeot in the way.
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This is a national-speed-limit road. Why is it doing 47mph? WHY?
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Ah, there's a straight coming up!
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POWEEEEER!
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Ha! This car is BIBLICALLY FAST.
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Do not try this in a car with ANYTHING less than 500 HORSEPOWERS.
On overtaking in a car with anything less than 500 horsepowers:
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Floor the accelerator.
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Feel entire car start to vibrate and rattle like the Space Shuttle on re-entry.
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Feel gentle beads of perspiration gather on whitening knuckles.
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Shout "Come on, you can do it!"
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Notice huge lorry coming the other way.
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Watch entire life flash before eyes.
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Get past dithering Peugeot and pull back to correct side of road.
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Stop to remove mess from underpants.
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Watch Peugeot go past.
Rules for car drivers
Ask yourself the following questions:
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Can you see? Do you have at least some arms and legs?
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Do you have a driving licence/Are you seriously thinking about getting a licence at some point in the future?*
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Okay, you're fit to drive. Away you go!
* Minicab drivers only.
Before setting off always remember the following tips:
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Make sure you are sitting in the driving seat and facing the front. You'd be amazed how many people in foreign countries insist on sitting on the PASSENGER side of the car - the bloody idiots. They drive on the WRONG side of the road, too.
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If you are a wittering simpleton, allow extra journey time for following your sat-nav instructions in an overly literal manner that causes you to drive into a canal/shopping centre/live firing-range/any other place that will generate a news story.
Rules for elderly drivers:
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Maintain a speed of at least 20mph below the maximum speed limit.
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Indicate at least 500 metres before turning. Change your mind at the last minute.
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Try not to change gear more than once every 15 minutes, because it "wastes petrol" and "damages the engine".
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Repeatedly say to your spouse: "I don't know why he's flashing me. I'm doing 23 as it is. This chap's a maniac!"
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When a car approaches on the opposite side of the road, slow to a virtual halt.
